I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
