sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize