Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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