I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
