Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
This beer is not sobering me up at all
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
