that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize