I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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