dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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