hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize