Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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