I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
