I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
