You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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