you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Drake has all the answers
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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