Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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