I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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