She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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