OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
