i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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