girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
