brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
