so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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