Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
