That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
