I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize