You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
