please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
When did angry sex become our thing?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
