Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
