i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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