I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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