The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It was confusing and full of hummus
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
