i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I accidentally burped into my bong.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
