if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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