You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
