doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
