This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
