If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I am naked and annoyed.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
