You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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