the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
a search helicopter?!
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
