I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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