You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Floor bacon is actually really good
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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