You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
