i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
