If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There's always time for handjobs
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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