The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
BRING THE BAGELS
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
