I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Randomize
