just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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