On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
