he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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