I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize