Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
