My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Randomize