I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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