the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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