well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
